Madmans Paradise OR 'Shiny Guy Owns A Nightclub!
by Angstreunion
Summary: A totally crazy, non-sencical adventure that goes on when Solidus sets up a business with Vamp to cover up arms sales to Libyans. He sets up a large building which is a Fish n' Chip shop during the day and a night club at night!With Liquid,Snake & Otacon!
1. Madmans Paradise Part:1

**DISCLAIMER: ALL Metal Gear & Characters Are Copyright Konami. THEY OWN EVERYTHING - I Only Borrow The Names For This Non-Profit Making BADLY WRITTEN Story, purely written for fun in my spare time. This story has terrible language, tons of unnecessary violence and will probably land you in hospital for splitting your sides. THIS is too crazy for even Kojima!**

**Madman's Paradise OR 'Glinty Guy Owns A Nightclub'!  
(This Story Is Best Read DRUNK)**

**Part 1**

* * *

**About two months ago, on a busy road in the city center, a car tries to negotiate its way along the many confusing turn-offs and junctions.**

**"**I take a left here?" Vamp asked as he drove Solidus to the "Secret destination that would change their lives for the better and bring almost instant improvements to retched situations-"

"…..Right…" Solidus said casually as he read a magazine.

***Vamp takes a right***

"What the hell are you going down here for?!" Solidus snaps as he looks around the unfamiliar street.

"Errr…you said 'right'..." Vamp replied defensively in his thick accent.

"I SAID….right about turning LEFT!" he answered as he sighed. "Never mind! Pull over here…I'LL DRIVE!"

*Vamp stops the car*

*Que loads of car bleeping and abuse being shouted*

Solidus slaps his forehead. "I didn't mean RIGHT here in the CENTER of the road…."

(Meanwhile, when they finally get there)

After a short Drive Solidus stops the car, gets out and walks towards a building with his arms outstretched. "So then…..what do'ya think?!" He says with pride with his perfect elocution.

"World famous Fish n' Chips??" Vamp says in a deadpan voice as he reads the massive sign. "……We're going into the……chip business?"

Solidus pinched the top of his nose in frustration. "NO you idiot! This is a front! Well, one of them!"

"A front for….what exactly?"

"A front for the biggest arms laundering scheme this side of the country!" Solidus clenched his fist with pride at his work.

"You're so……..brilliant!"

"Why thankyou! But that's not the best bit! To the side of this building is a massive entrance for the service this place will provide by night." he said to Vamp as he pointed to two massive double doors with a large sign reading "ANYTHING GOES Nightclub".

"I……hope theres a job for me in all this?" Vamp asked nervously.

"OFCOURSE!" Solidus shouted. "You're going to be making the fish and chips!" he added with a smile as he slapped his friend on the back and walked past.

"Hey! Do I get to help run the Nightclub too?! That would be wicked-cool!" Vamp said as he lent against the doorframe.

"Yes! You're the Licensee..." Solidus added as he threw an ID to his friend.

Vamp caught it against his chest without taking his eyes off his friend. "I'm a…….bar man?!"

"Yeah! You know how to mix drinks don't you?" He added as he threw 'The definitive book of Cocktails' at Vamp.

"Well I guess I can learn. Anyway! I think I'll organize a Gay night!" Vamp said excitedly.

Solidus rolled his eyes and leant against the wall with his arm outstretched.

"…'I'm going to organize a gay night'…" Solidus repeated in a mocking high pitched voice. "The ONLY time I'm letting you organize a 'gay night' is if I can tie it in with a massive Insurance claim for petrol bombing the club after you've rounded up all the screaming faggots in one place! And the insurance company would be paying me for the pleasure of doing it!"

"Hmmm…..very 'nice' boss…" Vamp mumbled.

"Trust me, this'll work out perfectly!" Solidus added as he looked around inspecting the work crews finished work.

"Soooo….who exactly are we supplying with weapons then?" Vamp asked looking puzzled.

"Ohh…The Libyans' mostly..." Came the casual reply.

"Excellent! I'm liking this! So, where are you going to live then? Or are you just going to commute in?"

"Ohh theres a large apartment above the buildings so I can always keep an eye on things directly."

"But…if this place is open during the day….and night….won't we need some slaves to order about?" Vamp questioned.

"By that I take it you mean 'Staff'? Yes of course! I made some discreet inquiries looking for some Koreans with expired Visas." Solidus added grinning slightly.

"Errr….why Koreans?"

"Because….they're politically unconnected to any of the groups we're selling to, they don't speak English well, we can pay them less then minimum wage because their illegal's and……-"Solidus placed his hands on his hips and looked thoughtful. "-…They make great chips…."

"Can I help with the interview process?"

"Sure…..but I'm employing a bunch of gays if that's what you're thinking..."

"….Damn."

Early the next day, Vamp's boyfriend Scott drove him back into the city do he could help with the interviews and get to grips with their new plan!

"You know…some of these people are totally pointless. I've managed to find two who, I think, may have a head on their shoulders. All I need them to do is make chips and hand out change! I have strict employment criteria you know…." Solidus said as he wrote afew names on a pad before looking up to see Vamp grab a man out of the line.

"You're good looking, you're hired……Get in there." Vamp announced as he shoved the man into the kitchen after slapping his ass. "I like the look of that guy Sol…"

"For goodness sake! At least make sure hes an illegal immigrant! Have you no standards!"

Vamp grabbed the man by the scruff pulling him back. "Are you here illegally?" he asked in his deadpan voice.

The Korean just nodded.

Solidus slaps his forehead before the next person sits down in front of him.

"Okay, whats your name?"

"Ching-Kwong, but you call me sam." He replied.

"Hmmm…Oooookay 'Sam'. When did you arrive and what documentation did you use to enter the United States?"

"tree year ago, Tourist Visa."

"Good, good. Do you have any warrants and are you known to the police?"

"No."

"Excellent, you stand over there." Solidus pointed behind himself to the corner where Vamps choice was standing.

"Okay next!" He shouts as a Korean girl sits down. "Name?" He asks.

"Kyung-ja, but anyone call me Tammy." She answered shyly with her eyes cast down.

"Right…hmmm….thats the forth female 'Tammy' today.

"When did you arrive and what documentation did you use to enter the United States?"

"Whaa month ago. Tourist visa."

"Perfect!. Do you have any warrants and are you known to the police?"

"Noo no, I work hard. Morning I work hard. Night, I work hard, Weekends-"

"Yeah, yeah I get it, you work hard." Solidus mumbled as he made careful notes.

Vamp stared down at his partners notes. "BOSS!"

"What?"

"You're gonna pay her more than the guys.."

"..So?"

"That's…fuckin'…favoritism and all.."

Solidus shook his head in a fed-up fashion and looked up at his friend. "No-no, its NOT favoritism. And anyway, its still under minimum wage!"

"There is a minimum wage?" Tammy asked bemused.

"Yeah…yeah…there is, But you can't work in this country at all legally. Now, you look to me like a smart girl…-" Solidus paused as he stared at her intently. "- The only way you'll be paid more is on the street. Ether, you work someplace else where you'll be paid less, mistreated, hit on all day and work longer hours……or, you can take your changes here with me. "

"Yeah! And ME!" Vamp shouted with an air of authority.

"Shut-up Vamp." Solidus sighed.

"I want work for you!" Tammy hastily replied.

"Good girl. At least you'll all have a measure of protection as long as you keep your head down, work hard and don't talk to anyone outside the shop – get it?." Solidus added as he threw his pad on the table.

"Yes!"

"Ohh and ahh……Do yourself a favor. DON'T tell the others you're paid more okay?"

Tammy nodded intently.

Vamp coughed loudly.

Later on that night Vamp and Solidus were packing the last of the supplies into the cupboards and putting the stock on the shelves.

"I can't wait to stock up the bar!" Vamp exclaimed.

"Yeah, this is quite fun isn't it?!"

"Ohh don't forget your brother is arriving tomorrow."

"Hmmm, I was trying to forget that. You know how much of a head case he is.."

"Yeah boss…whata asshole."

"Yeah true, hey what time is it Vamp?"

"Uhhh…..01:47am"

"Well, with that-"Solidus said as he threw a sponge in the large metal sink. "-I'm calling it a night!"

"Yeah Boss" Vamp answered as he followed Solidus to the door way. He watched his friend glance once more into the large room, which was the front of their Fish n' Chips shop, before flicking off the light and walking up the narrow stairs to the side that lead up to the apartment above the shop.

"Boss…."

"Yeah?"

"I really can't believe we've started all this. Its so great!"

"Yeah, well it is a very big task." Solidus said as he rubbed his eyes and walked into the living room space. He turned on the TV and flicked the channel to the current affairs and politics.

"Ohh..not politics! I hate politics, can't we watch something else?! I mean….there's a lovely program about Sharks starting on the other channel…." Vamp said excitingly.

"Hey….aren't you going to be heading home? Won't Scott wonder where you are?"

"Ohh nah. I told him I'd be out late and possibly crash here…..errr, you don't mind if I crash here?"

"Nah…nah. Not at all. You can test out the new sofa bed."

"Ohh ahh Sol?"

"Uhh?"

"You have to change the channel over...We're missing the start of that lovely show about Sharks."

"You can watch it if you want. I have a small TV in the bedroom; I want to catch the preliminaries of the presidential election."

"Ohhh….."

"What?"

"Well….every time we've ever watched TV together its been such a laugh….even those shitty political programs.."

"What do you mean?" Solidus looked puzzled.

"Well…..its your commentary.."

"MY…commentary?"

"Yeah…you say the funniest things, really spices up programs.."

Solidus stood in the doorway leaning against the frame, supporting his head with his elbow. "I think you've gone nuts Vamp. Anyway, I'm going to go get changed, DON'T open the door till I'm done!" He added as he shut his bedroom door behind him.

"Hey! How long does it take you to get undressed?" Vamp called out to the bedroom.

"You know I have back problems!" Came the muffled reply from the other side of the door.

"OHH? I have a cream for that-"

"NO THANK YOU." Solidus cut him off.

"Hey Sol, want me to make us some sandwiches?" Vamp called out as he searched his case for his pajamas.

"Nah, I've had something to eat earlier."

"So…You won't want any part of some small Cheese and pickle sandwiches?"

"Well…..maybe one."

"Have you finished getting changed?

"Hey! I takes a while!"

"Okay Boss…..by the way, you said you were very busy tomorrow, what's up?"

Solidus shouted back from his room. "Well, I have to pick up my son on the way to collect my brother from the airport. My sons got a place in town here."

"And….where is your brother staying Sol?"

Solidus walked out of his small bedroom wearing dark blue silk pajamas and a house robe. "Hmmm, Unfortunately….here."

"What?! But….you DO remember what happened last time he flew over here!"

"Yeah…I threw him out."

"Hes impossible to live with boss!"

"Yeah, yeah I know" Solidus replied rubbing his temples in stress.

"And he hogs the TV!"

"Yeah well another of the biggest problems I have with him is the fact that I can hardly understand a word he says! Its that language he speaks.."

"Don't worry boss! I speak 'English'! I learnt all the slang from him last time! I'll translate should you need it!"

"Thankyou Vamp! What would I do without you…." Solidus paused for a moment. "……Actually I'd probably succeed…"

(Vamp mumbles to himself)

"Well! Now that we have the Koreans on payroll, this place all ready to go as soon as the alcohol arrives……..all we need are the weapons!"

"Yeah! We'll make a fortune in no time! Hmmm, I wonder if that political debate show is on…..Vamp, pass me the remote would you…"

"Errrr….there is a really great program on the other channel…."

"We'll catch it another time! I want to hear what exactly these guys' policies are..."

"Yes Boss…"

(After two hours of a political debate show)

"Hmmm that was good but they still didn't put forward any new manifestos…"

"Nah…they didn't, Hey! Let's catch the rerun of that wonderful program about Sharks!"

"Hmmm…..mmm..Okay."

(Vamp flips the channel over excitedly)

"They are going to cover some very rare footage of Hammerheads and Lemon sharks! I know all the facts but this program shows all kinds of new information."

"Okay…"

The TV commentator's voice came on "We are very sorry to announce that the rerun of the program 'Search of the Amazing Sharks' has been cancelled and rescheduled for tomorrow-"

(Vamp stares at the screen blankly with the expression of a broken man)

"Well, I'm off to bed!" Solidus slapped Vamps back in a friendly gesture as he got up from the sofa. "Are you okay unfolding the sofa?"

(Vamp looks miserable)

"Yeah boss..."

"Okay…see ya tomorrow."

"Yeah boss, sweet dreams." Vamp said begrudgingly as he fluffed up the pillows on the sofa bed.

* * *

**Coming up Next: **

Liquid comes to stay! Ofcourse hes forgotten his travel addapter and can't use his hairdryer...this causes arguments AND the thieft of Vamps hairdryer.

Meanwhile Solidus's son Jack has come to town to confess his debt problem and get as much money of his dad as he can!

Finally they get the nightclub running and people from all across town come for the big opening. Ofcourse Hal drags Dave along!


	2. Madmans Paradise Part:2

**DISCLAIMER: ALL Metal Gear & Characters Are Copyright Konami. THEY OWN EVERYTHING - I Only Borrow The Names For This Non-Profit Making BADLY WRITTEN Story, purely written for fun in my spare time. This story has terrible language, tons of unnecessary violence and will probably land you in hospital for splitting your sides. THIS is too crazy for even Kojima!**

**Madman's Paradise OR 'Glinty Guy Owns A Nightclub'!  
(This Story Is Best Read DRUNK)**

**Part 2**

* * *

Early the next morning Vamp opened his eyes and reached around the floor searching for his phone to check on the time. He fell off the bed after noticing that it was 08:53 and he was supposed to help Solidus get up and get ready for the long drive to the airport.

He stumbled out of the warm bed rushing to bedroom nearby. Stumbling in, he saw the bed empty and a small note saying:

"**Hey Sleepyhead! I bet you'll wake up late! Well, you looked far too tired to wake up! I'll see you when I get back after picking up my brother (Asshole No.2) and my son. Don't forget to be there for the alcohol to arrive and watch the guys setting up the sound system. Have fun; If you need me just call my mobile. Ohh, by the way….I blew up the Microwave." ~ Sol**

Vamp smiled to himself while reading the note before he started to pick up and fold his friend's clothes and make the bed.

Most of the morning, Vamp spent taking the deliveries for the alcohol and nightclub sound system while waiting for solidus to return from picking up his son Jack and brother Liquid, who had flown in from London.

Vamp was smiling to himself as he cleaned the table-top imaging all the fun they were going to have and all the events he could plan for the club.

Meanwhile the workmen came over with a large Manuel and box of Cds.

"There you go! The sound systems all plugged in and working sir."

"Hmmm…What are all these?" Vamp asked as he peered into the box.

"Cd's…you know, music…..to play…….for people to dance to…..while they get drunk…..and-"the workman was cut off suddenly by an irritated Vamp.

"Yeah-Yeah-Fuckin' yeah. You're real funny – Now fuck off." Vamp snapped as he signed the work-completion docket, stabbing through the paper purposefully as he added the full stop at the end of his full Romanian name before throwing the pen at the workman.

Vamp looked through all the Cds shaking his head. "There's no way I'm playing ANY of this shit! I'm going to go out and get some real music! Sol will be sooo pleased! After all, I AM the DJ here!"

Later that day Vamp heard the car outside and rushed out to help his friend. As he got to the car, Solidus got out to open the back and take out all six of Liquid's cases.

"You obviously still don't travel light.." Vamp mumbled.

"Ahh, excellent! You've come to take my bags!" Liquid announced in his Londoner accent as he thrust his cases into Vamp's hands. "Cheers Mate! Cos my backs killing me." he added as he slapped Vamps back as he passed him.

Vamp looked bewildered for a moment. "Errr Boss…?!"

"What?" Solidus said as he turned around after helping Jack with his bags and locking the car.

*Vamp collapses under the weight of Liquids Luggage*

"Dad…Is he still alive under all that?" Jack asked as he kicked the pile of luggage covering Vamp.

Solidus looked down at the mountain of luggage and looked thoughtful for a moment. "Hmmm sure he is!"

"…Boss…..help…..~"*Heard faintly as all three are walking back to the club*

They all walked into the Lounge area of the Club part of the building, with Vamp trailing behind overloaded with bags.

"Hey dad...Not bad at all!" Raiden added as he jumped up backwards onto the bar.

"Hmm...I like the posh seats." Liquid added as he relaxed in a chair.

"Whaaa?" Solidus said vaguely as he stared at his brother.

"Here! This is the last of them!" Vamp said as he drops a heavy bag in Liquids lap.

"OhhThat reminds me dad, I need some money..." Raiden casually asked while curling his hair around his fingers.

Solidus looked thoughtful. "Uhh? How much?"

"Oh…$700..."

*Everyone in the room stops what they're doing and stares at Raiden*

"err…'some' money?" Solidus asks.

"Yeah Dad…it's really important!"

"Why so much?"

"Errr…..Nightschool..Dad" He replied trying to think of a good excuse.

"HAHA….'Night School' ohh that's brilliant! But I didn't know Night schools were recruiting such intelligent people nower days!" Liquid snorted as he laughed.

"You've got some real smart fuckin' mouth on you! You can't even pronounce words properly and your spelling is the level of a seven-year-old! So I'm not just about to stand here and take shit from you!" Raiden shouted at Liquid.

"OI…Fuck Off! I've got three GCSE's! ya little shite!"

"OHHH I've got three GSER's" Raiden mocked in a high-pitched voice.

"You two are giving me a headache…now shut up!" Solidus shouted over them both.

"Now dad, about that money…"

"Have the school send me an invoice and I'll pay it..."

"Hmmm…Looks like someone's not going to be able to go…..~" Vamp spun around then pointed accusingly at Raiden while standing in a pose. "~ **Clothes shopping!"**

Raiden walked up to face Vamp and whispered. "What exactly are you referring to?"

"I know EVERYTHING!" Vamp said quietly yet sternly.

"Everything..??"

"Yeah! The amount you spend on clothes! The lies you tell your dad to get more money out of him! Hes too good for the parasitic likes of you!"

"Do you have any proof to back all this up then?"

"Ofcourse I do! Receipts!...LOTS of 'em!"

*Raiden stares wide-eyed at Vamp*

"I also know about the fortune you spend on men down at the bathhouse! The wild sex orgies that got you thrown out of your last apartment! Do you really think anything happens on the scene without my knowing it?!"

"And ahhh…how much is your silence going to cost then?" Raiden asked nervously.

"I haven't decided yet! But number one on the list is that you stop treating your dad like a mug…or else.."

"What are you too gits scheming about?!" Liquid shouted while counting all his bags.

"What the fucks a 'Git'?!" Solidus asked in a really fed-up way.

"Ohh err boss…In 'English' a 'Git' means…'Wise Man'….its common slang…." Vamp explained.

"Vamp…..You're a twat." Liquid said firmly while pointing in Vamps face.

"Dad…where am I gonna sleep?" Raiden asked in a bored tone while tugging on his father's suit.

"In the spare room with Liquid. There are two beds in there so you'll be comfortable. Anyway, we have move afew things around so we can open on Monday, the staff will show up and everything."

"Hey ahh..Do I still get that comfy sofa-bed in the Lounge outside your room Sol?" Vamp asked in his usual deadpan manner.

"Aren't you going home? You only really need to be here to do your work shifts."

"What? And leave you here alone with no-one to look out for you? I know how you are! You don't look after yourself properly! You don't eat right, you don't socialize. Look….you're the type of man who needs minions…!" Vamp exclaimed trying to sound convincing.

"Ohh What are you talking about?! I'm fine by myself…Anyway, Whats that…partner of yours going to think if you don't come home every day?"

"Hes fine with it! I've told him we're on a business venture together and that I'll have to work long hours so it pays to stay here every now and then.."

Liquid walked up to them while carrying some bags. "Okay, I'm off upstairs to unpack, then I want to have a shower and come down when teas on the table."

*Solidus stares At Liquid*

"Whaa?"

"Ohhh this is variation of common slang! It refers to this ritual the British do around 5'o clock in the afternoon.." Vamp started.

"You know…I really don't think I want to know..."

"SOL! I'm NOT sharing with him!" Liquid shouts as he hurries back down the stairs.

"Who?"

"Your son!"

"Why?" Solidus asked in a no nonsense tone.

"Because, Hes up there right now, with all his shite all over the place while he picks which clothes to wear! The rooms a bloody state now! It fucking looks like a council house!"

"I heard all that Uncle! and you fucking suck! You obviously don't know class when you see it!" Raiden shouted as he bounded down the stairs in a gaudy, bright tie-dyed shirt and skinny jeans. He had smuged black eyeliner on and several earrings in his left ear.

"Ohhh the state of it.." Liquid added as he covered his face in his hands.

"Look you two, this isn't a guest house so there aren't enough rooms for all of you! And one more word and you're finding a place to rent…..Do you understand me?"

"Dad, tell him to stop being such a little bitch…"

"He's dressed like a fucking chav.." Liquid said in a fed-up tone.

"Whaa?" Solidus asked vaguely.

"Fuck off" Raiden snapped as he walked by.

Vamp lent against the kitchen table and announced. "Ohh yeah Boss, A Chav is a…..common English phrase that refers to a public toilet."

"No darling, that's a 'Lav'" Liquid mocked as he crossed his arms.

Later on that night, Solidus was in the kitchen making a sandwich when Vamp walked in and took the spreading knife from his hand and threw it behind himself with stealthy precision. "Go sit down down boss, I've already got something coming for dinner.."

"You what? But….I blew up the microwave by accident.." Solidus casually remarked as he sat down rubbing his temple.

"Well, that's the point! I'm making something properly! ……In the oven!"

"Wow…really?"

"Yeah! Now go turn on the set I'll be right in in a moment!" Vamp added with a measure of pride that even seemed to shine through his voice.

"Hey, where's Jack?"

"Ohh he went out to the bath—err the local club."

"Uhh..Okay.." Solidus said as he walked out of the room.

Vamp carefully took out of the oven a large pie he had managed to produce. He placed the slices carefully on two plates and headed up to the living area.

"There you go!" he added as he placed a plate carefully in his friends lap.

"Hey…you know, this actually smells good." Solidus added as he took a taste cautiously.

Liquid walked into the room in his bathrobe with his long wet hair running water down his shoulders. He slumped down on the sofa next to Vamp and stared onto his plate.

"What…..is that?"

"Pie...I made it." Vamp mumbled.

"Ohh for fucks sake, isn't there any decent nosh in this house? Or haven't you done the weekly shop yet Sol?" Liquid sighed.

"Nah I haven't gone to the mall yet, I mean we've only really JUST got this place up and running, and it opens on Monday."

"Ooohhhhkay, I guess I can survive on the odd eats I brought with me until tomorrow. I dare say theres a Tesco or Asda around here someplace"

"Whaa?" Solidus said vaguely

"Ohh they are fast-food places in Britain, I 've heard of them!"

"LOOK! Have you ever even BEEN to England?!" Liquid snapped.

"Errrr no, why?" Vamp answered.

"Then shut yer bloody Romanian Gypsy-arse cake-hole cause yer getting on my tits. Everything you've said is wrong, wrong, WRONG!"

"Right. That was the weirdest come-back I've ever heard." Solidius said while trying to stop himself from grinning.

As Liquid gets up from the sofa and walks towards the TV, Vamp grabs the knife off his plate and holds it up by the tip and starts aiming for Liquids back until Solidus grabs his arm. Liquid grabbed the remote off the top of the TV and changed the channel over.

"Hey! I was watching that!" Solidus said suddenly.

"Yeah well that was shite.."

"No It wasn't!" Solidus added as he snatched the remote off liquid."I want to watch this talk-show."

"Err yes it was! I want to watch Eastenders." Liquid shouted as he lent over and tried to grab the remote off solidus.

"I don't want to watch any Enders or any English crap!" Solidus said sternly as he stood up and held the remote high after snatching it away from Liquid.

"Sol! Give me the bloody remote!" Liquid shouted as he yanked on Solidus' arms.

Vamp jumped up and grabbed the remote from both of their hands and held it behind his back for a moment. "ENOUGH!" he shouted as he then slowly and calmly sat down on the sofa. "I……….shall settle this."

*Both Solidus and Liquid turned to stare at Vamp*

"……we're going to watch a lovely program about Sharks on the other channel."

"Bollocks to that!" Liquid shouted before storming out of the room.

Solidus relaxed back in his chair and continued eating from his plate. Vamp was all excited as they they sat glued to the screen.

Vamp turned up the sound on the TV. "And now on Discovery, a program with some new rare footage. It's the 'Search of the Amazing Sharks'"

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Liquid pulled his hairdryer out of one of his bags and went to plug it in.

*Liquid stares at the two-pin socket then stares at his Three-pin plug…….*

*He looks back again at the two-pin socket and back to his three-pin plug*

"OHHHH BUGGERY!!" Liquid shouts.

*Solidus and Vamp turn and stare at each other*

"…wheres my fucking travel adapter…" He sighed in frustration as he rummaged through his bag." He mumbled before stoomping into the living room and leaning against the doorframe. "Sol, do you have a hair dryer?!"

"Do I look…..like I own a hair dryer?! I keep my hair short so I don't HAVE to fuss over it!"

"Okay, you must have a hair dryer!" Liquid said as he stared at Vamp.

"Yeahh……But I don't know what you would want with a 'Romanian Gypsy-arse' Hairdryer like mine. So no………and….Fuck off." Vamp mumbled in a low and unfriendly tone.

As Liquid stormed out, Solidus bends over forwards laughing over Vamps reply, making he feel very big and very clever.

"Ohh don't tell me I didn't pack that cunting adapter…" Liquid moaned to himself. "Ohh fuck this! I'll just take the plug off and pop the two wires in the wall…"

As the beginning titles finish on the Shark program, Vamp stares intently at the screen.

*They hear the sound of a hair dryer for seven seconds*

*The TV and Lights go out*

"Uhh Boss….The TVs off…."

"Ahh…yeah, the lights too…"

"OHHH BUGGERY!" They hear shouted from the kitchen.

Liquid feels his way back to the table where Vamps travel bag is and feels around for his hair dryer in the dark.

* * *

Next Chapter in Process!


	3. Madmans Paradise Part:3

**~ Part 3 ~**

Vamp was in the kitchen making dinner for his friend, which unfortunately also meant fixing dinner for everyone else. He shut the oven door satisfied his work was nearly done. He walked over to Solidus who was by the fuse cupboard.

"Here is the problem" Solidus said as he stood up holding a flash-light up to a small fuse.

"You didn't need to fix the light sol, I see perfect." Vamp replied.

"Yeah but not everyone can see in the dark!" Solidus replied as he flicked on the light, blinding Vamp.

"Dad! you fixed the light!" Raiden exclaimed as he walked down the stairs.

"Not thanks to you." Vamp whispered to Raiden as he walked by.

"Dad...while I'm here... we need to talk.." Raiden said, totally ignoring Vamp's quiet remark.

"Oh? What about?"

"Well, I need to buy some more books and study material for my night school."

"I thought your room-mate was going halves on your books."

"Dad! That was so...like...two months ago, but I have a new dorm-mate."

"What happened to the last?" Solidus asked

"Ohh...well, he dropped out of the class and then just left my dorm. But this new ones really great and he helps me study!"

Vamp folded his arms while staring at Raiden. "Yeah, Biology..."

Raiden coughed loudly to detract from Vamp. "Aaanyway. I need money."

"Sure, get anything you want and have them bill me."

"But...Dad...I really need cash." Raiden implored.

Vamp stepped quickly behind Solidus and started waving the receipts that exposed the fact that Raiden was blowing on his money on clothes, drink and the high life.

"But how can you need Cash?" Solidus answered. "Your allowance gets paid into your Chequeing account every month from mine, and then there's your...whatever you called it, art business..."

Vamp laughed before he could stop himself. "I hardly call posing naked for life art classes an 'Art business'."

"What did you say? …..and why are you standing behind me." Solidus said as he grabbed Vamp's arm and shoved him in front next to Raiden.

"Errr he's just kidding Dad! My art studio is...err...becoming very well known and established!" Raiden said desperately as Liquid walked down the stairs.

"I smell food and I'm Starved."

"You can make your own." Vamp added as Liquid walked past.

"Whats that in the oven?" Liquid asked as he bend down, staring through the glass.

"Nothing!" Vamp replied hastily as he grabbed Liquid's arm which was reaching for the Oven hatch handle.

Raiden took the opportunity to pull open the oven door as Vamp and Liquid were slapping each others hands. "Hey! This looks like some kind of pie..." he annouced.

Vamp rolled his eyes as Liquid stared at him. "You made...a pie..?" he mocked in his strong Londoner accent.

Raiden looked quite excited as he turned back to Vamp and Liquid "And its a big one so there's a slice of three for me!"

Vamp spun to face Raiden and pointed in his face. "You can have something else.."

"I want Pie..." Raiden demanded.

"Would you shut up about the pie.." Vamp warned.

"I really can't believe you've made a pie.." Liquid continued in the background.

Solidus walked back into the room frustrated by their incessant bickering. "What the fuck are all of you bitching about?" he said in a low no-nonsense tone as he poured himself a glass of water.

"Dad! Vamp's made a pie and says I can't have any!" Raiden exclaimed

Liquid stared at Solidus with disdain. "I bet its unhygienic.."

Solidus lent down and looked through the glass into the oven. "Yep. Its a pie aright, but its massive and there's enough to go round..."

"But...but..."Vamp said in his deadpan drawl as he looked gutted.

"Anyway, you can all have mine.." Solidus added as he placed the cup back down on the side and scratched his head. "I'm not hungry anyway." He added before walking out.

Liquid held up his hand to high-five Raiden. "More Pie for us!" they yelled as they opened the oven and took the pie out.

"You're all Bitches!" Vamp said as he picked up the half-drunk glass from the side and followed Solidus into the side room as he drank.

Solidus hung up his coat by the door, picked up a pile of papers and walked up the narrow stairs which lead up to the rooms above the club. He walked into his room and sat in one of the two chairs near the bed, while he flicked through invoices. Vamp followed him in and slumped down in he seat next to him making him throw him a cursory glance before returning his glaze back to the papers.

"Aren't you going to bed?" Solidus mumbled.

"What's the point. Those fuckers in the kitchen are going to make noise until they pass out." He said as he drank the last from the glass then stared into the bottom of it.

"Those 'Fuckers'? I hope in all honesty you are not referring to my son aswell."

"Hmm.." Vamp answered while planning to change the subject. "Well, tomorrow we open. This is all such a magnificent plan of yours."

"Well it is once we get the desired clientèle and turn this place into a secret arms depo."

"You're a genius!" Vamp exclaimed making Solidus throw him a comical stare. Vamp fidgeted with the empty glass then turned to his friend. "Boss...can I talk to you about something..?"

"Sure..I'm listening."

"Hmm...about that son of yours..." Vamp started, gauging his words carefully as he felt that Raiden was above criticism due to Solidus' lack of understanding of his true behaviour.

"Yesssss..?"

"Well, how do I put this..."

"Try straightforward..." Solidus said while continuing to flick through papers.

"Well...He seems to be a total money trap. You plough all this time, effort, energy into him and I just don't see anything coming from it."

"What are you trying to say? Speak concisely." he replied after putting down the papers and turning to sit facing Vamp.

"I just mean...well, what I'm trying to say is that..." Vamp was frustrated by his own lack of straightforwardness when it came to some subjects with his closest friend, who he seemed to now have the full attention of – for once. He realized it was far better just being blunt as they shared a unique friendship and Vamp often got away with things that Solidus simply wouldn't tolerate from anyone else. "I just don't think he will ever reach your expectations or ever be as great as you. Why you adopted him is anyone's guess. You're a great man and I just hate to see your efforts so...wasted."

Solidus stared at him for afew moments and he noticed a distinct look of understanding all that he had and hadn't said. "Listen, I understand full well your concerns. I'm fully aware he's not, by any stretch of the imagination, a model student nor son. I am not blind to all these factors, but it is also my own sin as a 'father' that I must allow him some sway and room for improvement. I've raised many children on and off and you have to understand the undeveloped psychologies you are dealing with."

"I don't think his psychology will ever develop boss. I just hate seeing such a dead weigh around your neck." Vamp mumbled.

"I get the distinct feeling that you dislike him personally.."

"Oh no, no! I'm just pointing out that he is not your best...venture." Vamp said carefully.

"Well, give him a little time. He may yet bloom. He has not yet exhausted my patients."

"You're strangely so massively paternal."Vamp said as he thought that Raiden was already blooming..into a misfit, and would probably exhaust Solidus' money faster then his patients.

"Well, Kids are cute, in all their various little life stages. It's rewarding watching them grow and become successful and powerful." Solidus replied nonchalantly.

"Do you stay in contact with any of your foster children?"

"Yes.."

"Hmm...why Sol?"

"Because...They're my children..." he replied as he held his hands up. "They have an affinity for me and for all intensive purposes, I am all they have."

"Do you want to adopt me?" Vamp asked in a deadpan voice.

"No." Came the swift reply.

Vamp decided to change the subject after feeling completely confused and confounded by all the recent revelations. "Okay, Anyway...when are we kicking your brother out?"

"As soon as possible. He grates on my nerves and I find him simple-minded and irritating. However, he is so very easily led and in that respect I may find a use for him."

"I hate his whiny accent." Vamp said bluntly. "You would think that being British he would speak properly."

"Vamp, you speak better English then he does, and you're Romanian." Solidus grinned.

"You have much finer elocution then he does, and you have a massive vocabulary and deep understandings of...everything." Vamp replied.

"Don't kiss my ass."

Vamp lost his train of thought after afew mental pictures went through his mind. "Sol, I have an idea.."

"You do? That's amazing!"

Vamp smiled back. "Why don't we watch a movie or something?"

"What, now?"

"Yes!"

"Not now, I'm tired." Solidus said as he rubbed his forehead with his palm.

"But...but, it'll be fun! I love watching films with you...especially when you point out stuff and inaccuracies and...stuff." Vamp said as he heard the loud talking of Liquid and Raiden who had walked up the stairs and gone into their shared room.

"Maybe tomorrow night.."He started. "Who's choice film is it anyway? Yours or mine?"

"I think its yours Sol."

"Oh yes. I remember. Last time we watched that weird freakfest that didn't even make any sense to me and was little more then plain pornography...Your choice." Solidus pointed at Vamp.

"That was an artistic film. Though your starring at me was distracting, but it was a great film, not enough sex though." Vamp casually replied.

Solidus raised an eyebrow at his friend. "Not everyones' a sex freak with an ferocious sexual appetite like you. It made no sense what-so-ever."

"All Compliments are graciously appreciated Sol. Though you must have found it interesting."

"No, I found it boring, and I was trying to figure out what was going on...besides an Orgy."

"Want me to explain it?" Vamp volunteered.

"No thanks, I have no interest in such things." Solidus replied casually as he turned on the tv and flicked through channels.

"Which things?"

"Any of the above."

Vamp stared at his friend wide-eyed. "Really? Since when."

"Well, I have no interest in aimless situations, sex and all the drama that goes with it."

"Surely that can't be true! That sounds a bit Asexual to me Sol... That concerns me. But I don't think you're being honest with me. The quiet ones are the worse, I know this. It probably takes a lot to get them going but once they are, they vent all their frustrations out. I've known people like that...their the best... " Vamp answered totally aghast at his friend, even though he was being irritated by the sound of Raiden and Liquid singing loudly off-key in the room next to them.

"No, its just there's no point to it all, and will you go to the other room and tell Liquid to shut up. He's giving me a headache.."

Vamp slammed the glass on the table and walked over to the door, he opened it and lent into the hall and shouted "Liquid you tone deaf piece of shit, can it!". He then casually walked back into the room and sat next to Solidus. "Its one of my favourite past-times. Sex is a great laugh.." he added in his deadpan way.

"Yes but do you have to have sex all the time?" Solidus raised his eyebrow at Vamp.

"Well...I'm not having sex right now!" Vamp replied feeling accused.

"Thank goodness..." Solidus grinned.

Moments after, Liquid slammed the door open and stood arrogantly in the doorway dressed in his pyjamas, which he hadn't done up the front to , as he stared angrily at Vamp. He held his hand to his chest dramatically. "I require an explanation!"

"You'll 'require' a punch in the mouth." Solidus said while staring up impatiently at Liquid.

"You wouldn't dare!" Liquid shouted back. "You think you can punch...this?" he added as he waved himself with his hand."I'd love to see you try! I'd put you right in yer place! And anyway I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to that...thing."

Solidus sighed and pushed the table away from the chair he sat in and stood up, resulting in Liquid dashing out of the room and shouting from the doorway of the room he shared with Raiden. "You've always bullied me! Just because you're Half American and think you're so much better then anyone else!"

"Ohh...here we go..." Solidus rolled his eyes to Vamp.

Liquid continued shouting from the safety of the other doorway. "Just because you were always the favourite and everyone thought the sun shone out of your arse...!"

"And I'm 3cm taller then you..." Solidus shouted back.

"OHHHAAAAHHH...And you're over an inch taller then me! OH! Your such a wanker! I HATE YOU! YOU'RE JUST LIKE FATHER!"Liquid Screamed

"Isn't that the point..." Solidus shouted back in a bored tone.

"You're worse then his precious Solid Snake!WELL! Britain is the best country in the world! ALL-ways has been, ALL-ways will be! So I'm better then you AAAAAAAAAnyway! " Liquid screamed back before slamming the door.

"I like how he vanishes as soon as you stand up ready to hand him his ass. His British pomposity vanishes almost as fast as he does!" Vamp laughed.

Just then they heard a voice called out, muffled through the wall."Daaaaaaad! I don't wanna sleep in here with uncle Liquuuuid!He's rocking back and forth, his eyes are all red and I think hes having a seizuuuure.." Raiden called.

"Just ignore him Jack, with any luck he'll just die...If I don't kill him myself." Solidus replied.

"Why do you put up with this?" Vamp leant over and held his hands out as he implored his friend."Why don't you just have him killed! He's another noose round your neck! Have that creepy old guy whos coming round tomorrow sort him out."

"Who Ocelot? Hmm...I only have dealings with that man when its absolutely necessary. He can't be trusted and he has his own agenda, and I am more then aware of that, also the way he leers at me is disgusting, and then...he'll tell me something sleazy that I really didn't want to know."

"Yeah...I noticed.."Vamp replied while folding his arms in disgust."I think he wants to bed you..."

Solidus curled his lip in disdain as he stared at Vamp. "That's fucking repulsive Vamp...Come on!"

"Its true! I see these things! You don't!" Vamp answered quickly as he pointed his finger into Solidus' chest. "That guy trips over his tongue every time he sees you. Well! He's getting near you over my dead body!" Vamp added.

"He is the master-class of Stealth Faggotry, I can tell from the way he moves that he's most likely gay, but that's none of my business. As long as he does what he's told."

Vamp tilted his head and stared at his friend. "Faggotry? I'm getting a Homophobic aura off you Sol."

"All these people who have the 'Gay Plague'. You see, Bad choices or morals are a disease of the heart. Homosexuality is a disease of the mind. These men must have lost their minds." Solidus sighed as he lent back in his chair.

"Yet...You have no problem with me?" Vamp said to his friend as he stared at the floor.

"No. Actually I don't. Do you actually think you would live in such close proximity to me if I distrusted you?"Solidus said to his obviously deflated friend. "We've been friends for a long time and you have my respect, so what you do personally is your own business. Although I have seen you pull some very pretty girls. However, if you plan to sleep your way through all the staff, its fine, as long as I don't end up with lots of drama on my hands...like usual."

Vamp shrugged. "I just do what I want really.."

"Haha I noticed!" Solidus laughed.

Vamp reached out and put a hand on his friends back. "And don't worry, no drama."

"Well, I'm turning in. I'm exhausted." he said as he got off the seat and sat on the bed and started unbuttoning his shirt until he noticed Vamp still sitting in the other seat. "Well...go on then."

"So I sleep on the sofa?" Vamp asked.

"Yes, because my brother and my son are in the next room and the other is filled with crates."

"I can sleep here on this seat?"

"No...look, you're hardly going to be comfortable there! Anyway, you'll be sleeping all day tomorrow as you'll be up all tomorrow night running the club. That will work out perfect for you!"

"Can we chat some more?"

"Vamp...go lay down. You'll be asleep before you know it." Solidus added as he pat Vamp on the back.

"Okay..." Vamp sighed. "Sleep well. I'll be right outside if you need anything.."

"Thankyou."

The next Evening the Club was open and packed in no time. All of the illegal immigrants all doing their various jobs under the mindful eye of Vamp, who was at the bar mixing drinks. He was taking a small break from selecting the music, with was currently an instrumental version of 'Alejandro'. Vamp glanced over at Raiden who was sitting at the bar drinking with Liquid and chatting to a woman who was one of the Korean bar staff. Vamp glanced to the other side and saw Solidus leaning over the bar chatting to another Korean woman, who was taking food orders out, in French. Liquid overheard the conversation and turned towards them joining in, though his French was heavily accented by English.

Vamp walked over to Solidus and the woman and folded his arms. "What are you two saying?"

"Apparently theres something wrong with fridge." Solidus answered.

"So...why not in English?" Vamp added as he lent against the bar.

"Because, she speaks French fluently and and is more coherent then in English." he added as she walked by carrying a large tray.

"I don't trust her." Vamp said bluntly.

"You don't trust anyone...which is good, but sometimes unnecessary."

"No! I see what the scheme is! She's planning to ingratiate herself with you to gain a stronger position among her peers." Vamp spat irritated.

Liquid poked Vamp in the back. "You don't speak French do you?"

"Well apparently neither do you." Vamp sneered back. "Anyway...I can't make those fucking sounds." he said as he swept two glasses in front of him onto the floor smashing them.

"Ohhh not so calm now!" Liquid taunted.

Vamp was about to answer until he overheard commotion, even over the loud music that filled the club. Two of the armed guards disguised as bouncers had engaged someone who they knew was armed and had refused to hand over his weapons.

"Oh its you.." Vamp said as he saw the guards holding on to Ocelot.

"Well look at this!" Ocelot replied. "Where-ever he is, you are. Funny that."

"Yeah get used to it old man. But I don't remember you getting an invite."

"Then you obviously don't know what your lord and master is up to all the time. He invited me!"

Vamp looked visibly irritated. "Doesn't change a thing! I'll check that with him myself before you're let in."

"I can't stand you, you're a revolting creature and I have no clue as to why Solidus holds you as such a close friend...I mean, I could hazard an educated guess...but I hope its not that.." Ocelot added.

Vamp was so annoyed he just decided to wind Ocelot up as best he could. "Look. Him and me, we're like this." he said as he held up his entwined index and middle finger. "I'm young, you're old – get over it." he said as he turned his back on Ocelot and pulled out his mobile to call his friend. "...and I'm not giving you his personal phone number..."

"What? Wait! You have his phone number?" Ocelot yelled.

Solidus heard walked down the stairs to the main lobby after hearing the commotion to see Vamp standing in the doorway with his arms folded having a vitriolic exchange with Ocelot.

"I can take it from here." Solidus said as he put his hand on Vamps should and stood out from behind him.

Instantly Ocelots tone and posture changed dramatically and he held his hands out. "George..." he said in a mixture of sarcasm and awe.

"Adamska..." Solidus replied to prove they were on the same level, then held out his hand motioning Ocelot to sit down.

"I knew you were here personally... I knew it!" Ocelot said slowly as he walked towards Solidus.

"Oh? How did you know?"

"Because no other nightclub owners I know have armed guards hidden in the lobby and walk around in Armani shirts with that many platinum rings on their fingers. Then there's that strong cologne you wear, I can smell you before I even see you." Ocelot responded.

Vamp leant over and whispered in Solidus' ear "He knows other nightclub owners?"

"Hm..."Solidus breathed as he sat on the chair opposite Ocelot as Liquid walked down the stairs into the main lobby area.

Ocelot took an over deep breath. "Ahhh...looking at you... takes me forty years back in time..."

Vamp mumbled "Shame you didn't stay there..." before Solidus elbowed him.

Ocelot purposely ignored Vamp and continued. "What a masterpiece you've become, you're truly...amazing, handsome and talented. You're so tall and muscular. Look at the way your shirt clings so tightly to your form in places. Beautiful Champaign platinum blonde hair...~"

Vamp facepalmed while mumbling "He's inventing colours now.."

Liquid stared up at the ceiling arrogantly while rolling his neck, fed up and said "Sunshine...Arse..."

Solidus just started talking over him "Look, there are important issues to address. I have some documents you must sign and there are some things you have to get done. I will give you instructions. Don't fuck it up."

"When have I ever 'Fucked up'" Ocelot protested to Solidus.

"Do you actually want me to read out the list?"

"Er...no."

"Okay then. I'll get the papers and explain your role in the plan." Solidus said casually.

Ocelot sprung up from his chair. "Then! You and I will enter into agreement! Lets shake on it." he added as he held out his hand.

No sooner had Solidus offered out his hand and shook. Ocelot pulled him close and embraced him. He took a deep breath, taking in Solidus' smell and said quietly "Ahhhh John...".

Solidus pushed Ocelot away to the floor with near violent force and turned around to retrieve the papers from the other room. Ocelot looked at his hand and said "John would have never pushed me away..."

Vamp stood over him. "Only cause he liked to see you suffer emotionally, wanting him. He used to play those games but Solidus doesn't."

Ocelot braced himself on the chair to stand up. "What do you know? You know nothing about him or me! You just want George for yourself! That man is the last link I have to John... Its an agony seeing him, hearing him, forever frozen in time, forever young. Having a different character from what I'm used to."

Vamp sneered. "John is dead. He's never coming back. Its George all the way now. You're just a sad old gay who never got over the love of his life... pathetic."

"The others aren't like him, but he...he's just like him..." Ocelot stopped and looked up while putting a thoughtful finger to his chin. "Actually...I wonder if he is...just like the Boss in …...every respect..."

"Look, You can just go fu..." Vamp stopped then leant over to Ocelot. "What exactly are we talking here?"

Ocelot held out his hands in the air to give an mental estimation of length. Vamp stared wide-eyed. "You mean..." he said as he held his hands up copying the same gesture.

Ocelot nodded. "Yep..."

Liquid looked right and left and pulled open the top of his trousers and looked down. "Damn those fucking scientists and their gene switching! I've been fucked over yet again!Bollocks!"

Solidus walked back in holding some papers and glanced at Ocelot and Vamp with their hands up. "What are you two doing?" he added as he sighed and shook his head.

"Nothing!" they both responded.

Solidus placed the papers on the small table, and forced a pen into Ocelots hand. "Read and then sign." He said bluntly.

"Your skills of persuasion are so seductive...I hope you're not always so dictatorial." Ocelot moaned sarcastically. "So what is the plan anyway? And why have you opened this place all in Vamp's name?"

"Well, your going to love this. I have a three phase plan in which this is the first move in. I purposefully opened this place to..." Solidus was cut short by Raiden running into the room.

"Dad! Dad! There's someone in the club I think you should see! There's a man here who looks like you but with long brown hair. He's here with an effeminate skinny guy. Their sitting in the corner drinking!" Raiden explained.

"One moment.."Solidus said to Ocelot before following Raiden out.

Up Next! Hal and Dave! Please read and review!


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